Satirical Style – “Holy Ping Pong: Justin Bieber’s Toe Needs Prayer”

In the latest chapter of The Gospel According to Bieber, the pop icon has declared his only ailment: a rolled pinky toe.

After his mother, Pattie Mallette, posted a lengthy prayer on September 22 calling for divine healing over her son’s “heart, mind, and body,” Justin decided to set the record straight.

“Only thing I need healing from is my rolled pinky toe from playing ping pong,” he commented, breaking two weeks of silence.

Pattie’s post—complete with declarations of “TRUTH, LIGHT, and PROTECTION”—had fans speculating about the star’s mental state. Some wondered if the cryptic social media posts Justin shared earlier this month hinted at deeper struggles.

Turns out, the real battle was between Bieber and his ping pong table.

While the internet debated his soul, Justin was dropping Swag II on September 5, celebrating his anniversary with Hailey, and hosting their baby boy’s first birthday.

One thing’s certain: the Biebers keep it interesting. Between divine intercessions and minor sports injuries, Justin’s life remains a holy blend of faith, family, and footwork.